Running Low

I always joke with my friends about how I rarely get sick, but when I do, it is so major that it makes up for all the times I’m not. November of 2024 marked a time in my life where I realized I had actually been sick for a very long time and I didn’t even know it. What started as a big moving day ended with me spending almost two whole weeks in the hospital searching for answers to a problem I didn’t even know I had.

It was a typical Saturday in November and I was moving out of my old apartment and into a new one, just 5 minutes away from my workplace. The only downside is that it’s on the 3rd floor of the building with stairs as the only access point. With that in mind, I decided to hire a moving company. By the end of the day, I was so exhausted from cleaning, packing last minute things, taking little things up and down to my car and then back up to my new place. When I was finally ready to get to bed, I noticed that I was breathing heavy and sniffling, which I attributed to all the physical activity and dust. As I settled in bed, I realized I wheezing more than I typically would if I was having an asthma attack, so I took my inhaler hoping for sweet swift relief. Sadly, it did not come. I took my inhaler another time hoping that I would at last get my breathing under control and get some sleep. At that point, I knew something was wrong and I quickly drove myself to the nearby ER desperately hoping for a rescue breathing treatment. What I received instead was way beyond what I had expected.

When I arrived at the emergency room, they immediately admitted me and began checking my vitals and breathing. What they noticed was that my blood pressure was sky high (220-something over 100) and that my heart was enlarged and working at 3x the rate that it should have been. They asked me a barrage of questions about my blood pressure, urination, heart rate, and more. I had no idea why they were asking me all of this when I thought all I needed was a breathing treatment. They decided to do some labs on the spot and asked me even more questions because they had major concerns regarding my kidney function. Essentially, they told me that my kidneys were significantly damaged and they didn’t understand why, especially since I had no previous serious health concerns. They admitted me to the ICU to monitor my heart and try to bring my blood pressure down a little bit at a time. While I was in the ICU, they ran a series of tests and determined that my kidneys were barely functioning—again, not knowing exactly why. When they did the initial sonogram, my Nephrologist was concerned because she reported that in the sonogram, they could not find my kidneys at all. Naturally, I was aghast. She said she wanted to do a second, more intensive one, and I agreed to it. On the second round, she told me that they did actually find my kidneys, but they were very small and very significantly damaged. She was curious as to why someone with fairly good health and normal everyday functioning would have such damaged kidneys and recommended getting a kidney biopsy to find the root cause of the damage. So I opted in to a kidney biopsy in search of answers.

When my Nephrologist returned with my kidney biopsy results, I found myself dissociating for a little bit and I wondered if my body had been swapped with someone else’s. The reason why, you ask? The biopsy revealed that I have IGA Nephropathy (IGAN). IGA Nephropathy is a type of kidney disease that can cause inflammation and damage to the kidneys. This kidney damage occurs little-by-little each day, silently and often undetected unless a kidney biopsy uncovers it. Some people acquire it as a result of various illnesses working together to create the change in an antibody called immunoglobulin A (IgA). In my case, I was born with it and the autoimmune disease has been damaging my kidney little by little each day since birth. Since I was born with it, through the years, my body naturally compensated for the damage and stepped in to do more work to support my kidneys every day of my life. That’s why my heart was so enlarged by this time even though I was seemingly asymptomatic.

Since there had been so much damage to my kidneys, I found myself with answers and one major piece of the answer was that I am now in End Stage (5) Kidney Failure. We immediately began discussing options and agreed that the best path forward for me would be to start at-home peritoneal dialysis and do what was necessary to get on the transplant list as soon as possible. I immediately adopted the renal diet, cutting out a lot of beef and pork, foods high in salt, potassium, and phosphorus (which is in literally everything!), and was put on a fluid restriction to prevent fluid overload that could lead to heart failure and pulmonary edema (fluid in the lungs). Because of the state of my kidneys and the damage that the incurable IGAN will continually inflict on them each day moving forward, I have to do an 8 hour dialysis treatment every night. So each night, I have to be home by a certain time because it takes me about 45 minutes to get everything sterilized and set up for my treatment. Then I wake up around 6am and get ready for a full day at work—I am the Assistant Principal of Operations at a local charter High School, go home (or stay for an athletics game) around 6pm to eat dinner and get ready for treatment and then I rinse, wash, and repeat the process. Although treatments impact my ability to spend extra time doing things I truly enjoy, I am so grateful for my cycler that helps to clean my blood each night so that I can keep on living the next day. The great news is that although I have been on this dialysis routine since March of 2025, I have finally been listed as ACTIVE on the kidney transplant list!

Being on the transplant list gives me SO much hope! I know it could still take years to actually get a transplant depending on if I get a live donor or a cadaver donor, but this feels one step closer to hope for a different kind of treatment for my dying kidneys—which are both currently at 6% function. In gratitude for all that my body has done to help keep me going all these years, I’m celebrating this big step forward. I’m celebrating one step closer to not having to share my bedroom with boxes on boxes of medicine (dialysate) and medical supplies. I’m celebrating one step closer to not having to be at home every night by 8pm to start my routine so I can get my 8 hour treatment done before it’s time to get ready for work the next day. I’m celebrating one step closer to being able to fully shower without wearing a mask or fearing that I’m going to get an infection to my exposed exit site. I’m celebrating one step closer to being able to go swimming or even go near the water without risking contamination to my exit site. I’m celebrating one step closer to not waking up in pain because I had to sleep in an awkward position to prevent my machine from beeping alarms all night long during treatment. I’m celebrating one step closer to not waking up feeling nauseous after each treatment. I’m celebrating one step closer to being untethered and able to move freely around my apartment without a cord attached to my body pulling me back to the allotted extension length. One step closer to not having to ask my friends and family to be at my apartment to receive my monthly med supply so that I can stay at work and pay for life. One step closer to not being restricted to only drinking 46oz of water each day, and so many other restrictions!

If you are interested in learning more about kidney donation and the possibility of being a live donor for me, you can check out the link below!

https://www.stdavids.com/specialties/transplant-services/kidney-transplant

TO BECOME A LIVE DONOR: https://namc.donorscreen.org/register/now

If you decide to opt-in to donate a kidney, my insurance will cover the cost of all of your medical visits and the procedure. If you go through the preliminary process and we don’t end up matching blood type/antibodies/etc., there is still a Paired Kidney Exchange program at the hospital I am listed for in Austin, TX. This involves matching incompatible donor recipient pairs to other incompatible pairs who may live locally or in other parts of the state or country. Signing up as a donor for me and still completing the process to give it to someone else simply moves me higher up on the priority list to receive a local kidney. Please know that I completely understand if you don’t feel that kidney donation is the right path for you and it does not change the way I think of or feel about who you are. This is a big step for everyone involved and while I would love to get a new kidney as soon as possible, I’m also okay with waiting the 5-7 years estimated to receive a cadaver kidney if that’s what is necessary. In the meantime, I will continue to follow the renal diet, complete my daily dialysis treatments, and stay on the right track to care for my kidneys in the best way I can as I await a transplant!

A month’s supply of my dialysis medication

TRUSTFALL

Have you ever walked into a meeting expecting the conversation to go one way, but then it takes a turn? Well that happened to me recently and led me down a very unexpected path.

To help set the stage, I started working as the School Operations Manager of the High School I work at the week before Thanksgiving Break. The Friday before my first day, our school’s Assistant Principal of Operations (APO) resigned due to mental health reasons. So I hit the ground running with our School OPS team with no fearless leader in charge. I was the closest thing to one and a newbie. My other two incredible OPS team members, the Attendance/PEIMS Specialist and School Operations Associate, were hired a few weeks and a month before I was, respectively.

Since we are new to the job, we have a lot to catch up on. Adding fuel to our fires is that our predecessors did not leave us any organized records or documented standard operating procedures. Over the past four months, we’ve spent hard time cleaning things up and developing new systems to make it all make sense so that we can keep the engine running smoothly for our school admin and teachers. I love our team and all the things we are accomplishing together!

While we have been making lemonade out of lemons, we have still limped through some areas due to the need for an APO and a Family Engagement Specialist (FES) to help round out our team to function our best on all levels. Then, just three weeks ago, we lost our School Leader, as she decided to step away from the job, and now we have an Interim School Leader guiding us through the remainder of our school year. While I feel like I’ve lost a steady colleague, I also deeply appreciate all the things our Interim School Leader brings to the table. Although we are pausing on hiring an APO for this current school year, our Head of Schools is currently in the process of hiring a new School Leader for the 2023-2024 school year.

Now, let’s fast forward to the meeting I mentioned at the beginning! I was invited to attend a meeting called “OPS Planning” with our Regional Director of School Operations and our Regional School Operations Onboarding Consultant, and I genuinely thought it was going to be a heart-to-heart about how our team had fallen behind on our re-enrollment calls for the previous week (it was IA testing week and we are short-staffed so our attention had been elsewhere). Instead, they sat me down and complimented how I have helped bring the team forward and into a better operational standpoint. Then, they asked if I would be willing to take on some APO responsibilities to help drive us toward success for the rest of this school year! This would mean more responsibilities, but also a raise. Thankfully, the responsibilities are right up my alley, and I’ll be able to attend to them and my regular SOM duties. To top it all off, they have asked me to apply for the APO position next school year. They said I would soar in that role and bring more oversight and success to our Ops team while helping our campus partners, admin, and teachers feel fully supported. That certainly differed from what I thought the meeting was about, and I had no idea it would head in that direction. Still, I’m honored and excited—and I already sent in my application!

There is no guarantee that I will be the APO next year because it’s a role that the School Leader hires, and we may not have one of those for a while. Additionally, they may be an outside hire unfamiliar with me, my team, or our work up to this point. In the interim, it is nice knowing that my efforts are being noticed and that my team feels stronger. As I continue giving my best in my SOM + 1/2 APO role, I hope to get the job next year, but I’m also delighted knowing I’m making a difference in this current role. So even if I don’t get the job next year, I can still thrive in the SOM role and wholeheartedly support whomever our next APO is.

But also, WISH ME LUCK. SEND GOOD VIBES. LIFT UP SOME PRAYERS. Or whatever it is you do. I am so excited for this opportunity to flourish in this dual role and hope to do even more to make next school year so much better for all!

To celebrate, the girls and I went out for dinner at Freebirds
and followed it up with FroYo at Menchie’s!

Run For Your Life | Welcome to 2023

Three cheers to you for making it to 2023!
Don’t worry, I am drinking enough coffee for all of us.

At the tail end of 2021, I decided to get back into therapy, and after spending the majority of the pandemic without it, I truly wish I had started back sooner. I do consider myself lucky . . . I LOVE my therapist on BetterHelp. She walked with me through so much anxiety-riddled loss:

• Losing the feeling that comes with being as close to my friends/family as I want whenever I want to. (The pandemic has been emotionally tough on this extrovert.)
• The loss of friends and community connections after my church became LGBTQ+ affirming
• The loss of our church building
• The loss of one of our Lead Pastors
• The loss of my mother
• The loss of the freedoms that come with being a single person sans children
  

My therapist has guided me through an onslaught of highly emotional situations. I came out better in the end because of our mutual trust, vulnerability (I know, yuck!), and willingness to lean into her wisdom. Still, as I look back on my therapy journey, I sometimes go back to the goals she has posted to my account, and one of them was set very early on and remains incomplete. It’s simple. All I have to do is write a journal entry: What does “My Day” look like if I did nothing for anyone else but me? And if you know me, you understand why this is such a seemingly impossible task for me. But I want to improve, grow, and start making headway on finding a good balance of family/work/life/self-care. As I close the door on 2022 and walk into 2023, I want to take all the tools my therapist has given me this past year and put them into practice as I embrace personal transformation. I’ve already begun putting some of them into practice—setting better boundaries, making time for myself, becoming more aware of my internal feelings and how they affect me, learning to speak my peace and let go, etc. Still, with how this past year ended, I know there is much more to unpack, discover, and evolve.

Each year I sit and think about a word, to sum up, what I’m hoping for in the new year, and this year, it’s EVOLUTION. I know, I know . . . some folks are terrified of that word, but I’m not. I’m embracing it. This year I want to, as Merriam Webster states, engage in the process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state. I want to peel back even more layers of my cultural, religious, relative, and psychological upbringing and ask more important questions. I want to lay it all on the table and ask myself—what is worth bringing with me on this journey to a healthier, more whole and authentic me? Where do I get hung up on the trail? What do I want to notice about myself/others along the way? Who will I allow to join me through valleys and mountaintops? What will I do with the things they say along the way? What do I hope to gain mentally/emotionally/socially/physically on the other side?

There is a song by a band called, The Fray, titled RUN FOR YOUR LIFE (hint: all of my blog posts are named after songs.) As I’ve been thinking on what I want for my personal growth in 2023, this song keeps coming back to me. Here is the story behind the song:

Singer Isaac Slade and guitarist Joe King penned this song in a remote studio in Leipers Fork, just outside of Nashville. Slade told the story of the song to Denver Westword: “This one came from thin air, you know? We started with this idea of twins, two sisters, one makes it one doesn’t. We really wrote it about the one that is left, the survivor, who’s sort of wracked with guilt, like ‘Why me?’ We kind of put it in contrast to this African concept of Sankofa. It’s basically this concept of: If your village burns down, go back to it and pick through the ashes and find anything good and then take it with you and leave and never look back. It’s like an acknowledgment of tragedy and hardship, alongside celebration, almost, and thankfulness for what you have. Kind of run as fast as you can from that black hole of guilt.”

Joe King added: I had been brewing on this word “sankofa” for a while. The word is an African word, and it’s where a villager would go back to their village that had been destroyed by whatever, fire or famine or whatever, and they would go back through the destruction, and they would dig through the mess and the dirt and the rubbish, and they would pull anything from that destruction and take it with them to their new dwelling place. For me, that whole confident truth is in me. There are legitimate things that have been destroyed in my life, but how I respond to it is everything. Going back to it is kind of difficult because you have to face it and try to pull the good from those things, because there are still diamonds in there and there are still some good things in there that aren’t destroyed that you can take with you. It brewed from that, and then we combined it with the story of two sisters. So, yeah, that song has a pretty close place in my heart.

https://www.songfacts.com/facts/the-fray/run-for-your-life

I closed out the year without a church home/community, with complex relationships being navigated, ending one job and starting a new one. As I walk into 2023, I’m ready to acknowledge the tragedy, hardships, celebrations and be thankful for all I have as I keep moving forward and running toward personal evolution. Though this blog will continue to be my favorite spot to share some fun memories throughout the year and creative thoughts, I’ll also be adding content that peels back more layers into things I am learning more about myself, things I’m seeing unfold in the world around me and what I need to say about it, plus some fun new work content. I hope you’ll keep checking back for updates through this year of EVOLUTION. Let’s grow together!

What is your word/resolution for the year?

What are you hoping to learn more about this year?

Circles Around This Town

Sunday, December 4th, 2022 marked a milestone in my ministry career. It was the day that we announced the end of Eikon Church. Here is the announcement from my Pastor, Kelly Matlock:

It’s an odd feeling to know that there is an ending date to something you’ve been passionate about for many years. It feels like just yesterday I was accepting Pastor Dan’s invitation to leave Seattle and take the job as NextGen Pastor in Kyle, TX, for zero dollars. Yes, you read that right. I accepted the job and moved halfway across the country simply for no pay . . . but also for big rewards. The reward of a promotion into a role I had been dreaming of for so long. The reward of thriving on a leadership team that isn’t afraid of women—especially women of color—having a voice and leading the way. And the reward of being surrounded by people of faith willing to break out of exclusionary white evangelical boxes to show compassionate love and radical inclusion for all.

While it would be easy to try to pinpoint just one thing that led to our closure, there are just so many layers that led us here. Obviously the biggest factor affecting church longevity world-wide was the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. And while it did cause us to physically step away from the church building and remain at least six feet apart, our church did find small ways to stay connected. We created drive-through experiences, socially distanced small groups, front porch hangouts, and more. 

Some might say that our fate was sealed when our church shifted to become a fully inclusive church for the LGBTQ+ community. It’s true that we took a lot of hits from those in our own church that left and in nation-wide Evangelical church spaces. We received so much hate mail, emails, phone calls, and social media responses from angry Assemblies of God church leaders/attendees calling with shaming comments, threats, and predictions that we would be shut down immediately because of our decision. And while some could lean into a mythical narrative that we closed down because of this move towards Christlike inclusion, that’s not the reality. In reality, we probably lost about 25% of our congregation after we announced our shift to become a fully inclusive church. (Don’t quote me—I’m no mathematician.) Just before we went into quarantine, we hosted a Serve Rally to recruit volunteers and reinforce our revised inclusive by-laws and if the enormous stacks of volunteer cards that attendees filled out were anything to go by, we were FAR from closing down. We were ready for our second wind with a more beautiful diversity in every area of ministry!

In an honest moment, the day we lost our building took the most wind out of our sails. Not just because we lost our meeting space but because of the evil way it happened. Another local area church, Vertical Chapel, without having any prior conversations with our Pastors, reached out to our building lender, AG Financial, before we made our big shift announcement, and were told that they couldn’t lease our building because we still had a standing contract. Fast forward to September 2020, we got a call from our rep at AG Financial that Vertical Chapel had reached out again to take our building from us and had offered to pay a full year’s rent in advance to sway the lender’s decision. Well, AG Financial couldn’t pass up that deal—after all, the church is business. AG Financial took Vertical up on their offer and decided to terminate our contract without warning. They reached out to Pastor Dan, explained the situation, terminated our contract, and gave us 30 days to move out of our building. (It’s also worth noting that by this time, they would have heard about our departure from the AG). When Dan confronted one of the key players at Vertical Chapel about how this transaction came to be he was met with confusing lies. However, when all was said and done—our building now leased out to Vertical—Dan asked for the truth and they finally admitted to lying and owned up to their part in the plan. This crushed our faith community more than the pandemic could ever hope to. It’s one thing to lose your church home, but to know that it was taken through such deplorable means by people claiming to be Pastors and faith leaders hurt people’s faith in Christianity as a whole. This hit especially hard when Vertical Chapel announced that “God had gifted them” *eyeroll* with this brand new building. This communicated to us and others that God is seemingly all about the ‘gifts’ of lying, deceiving, and stealing . . . which I honestly thought were the attributes of Satan, but eh, what do I know? People began leaving our church and faith altogether because they felt that the (big C) Church had fallen so far away from the way of Jesus that other churches would stoop so low to deceive, lie, and carelessly displace another faith community for their own personal pride and glory.

We weathered so many storms after that. We walked through the sting of losing one of our lead Pastors in the fallout of being betrayed by so-called ministry friends and the onslaught of anger and shame heaped on by Evangelical Christians near and far. We walked together to rebuild our faith community once it was safer to gather in person. But even by then, our leadership team had grown apathetic, and our churchgoers found other faith spaces to connect with. And honestly, we understood their reasoning and offered nothing but grace and peace despite the loss. Still, the core group of us kept pushing forward despite all odds. We found a new place to meet and kept meeting as long as we financially could. We continued to build partnerships with other inclusive churches in the area and found new community connections along the way. As I’ve reminded our church leaders repeatedly, we made it two years longer than anyone thought we would. And at the end of the day, we did EVERYTHING we could with what we had to make a positive impact in our faith community and in our community as a whole.

But now we’ve reached the end of the road. On Sunday, December 18th, we shut our doors and said goodbye to Eikon Church. Not the people, just the entity. We will undoubtedly have to work much harder to nurture and sustain the relationships we’ve made along the way. Still, I have hope that even as we move on to what’s next, we’ll stay in touch and keep the threads of Eikon going in all that we do. I know I will.

In the words of King George from Hamilton, “What comes next?” While I will no longer be on staff with Eikon Church, I will still host a Youth Bible Study for our teens on Sunday evenings and participate in Second Sunday youth gatherings through the end of this current school year. I will still be a curriculum contributor at Orange and will most likely find a new church to attend in the New Year. As for the new job that will keep food on the table and fuel my desire to impact the next generation positively, I have taken on a full-time position as School Operations Manager at KIPP Austin Brave High School! It is right up my alley, with problem-solving, organization, and public relations skills being put to use every day. I love working with the KIPP community, especially at the girls’ school (the graduating Middle Schooler will be attending next school year)! I am blessed to be able to put so much of my ministry experience into my new job, and I look forward to bringing the heart of Eikon to the school community.

I will forever miss being a part of Eikon Church. It hurts and makes me sad when I think about not being in that space and serving on that level. While I know I may never find a church quite like Eikon, I’m grateful for the relationships I’ve built to last and for all the ways my faith has grown richer through the years. Eikon will always be with me and I’m honored to have been a part of the story God was writing through our church. So now as I step away from vocational ministry, I do so resting in the fact that I crossed the finish line with no regrets!

From A Tire Swing

I’m officially a WGU Night Owl!

It’s true, my friends; I am finally going to college! In an honest moment, it’s not too far off the beaten path. I’ve always been passionate about education and supporting those in the educational field. And I fell in love with teaching while on staff at Master’s Commission of Austin. I was the staff member that was “too serious” about book class. For instance, when I led the book study for Glocalization: How Followers of Jesus Engage a Flat World, I created a custom spiral-bound companion workbook for each student. Each chapter had an interactive experience piece tied to an organization or idea that students had to complete. For instance, one session’s interactive involved learning about Charity:Water, and I provided each student with a water bottle and some packets of sand & dirt. In the class, I had students drink some of their bottled water and then write down how it looked and tasted in their notebooks. Then I had them add some sand to the water, swirl it around, and write about how it looked and how their life might change if that was the only water they had to drink. I instructed them to do the same with the dirt and had them write their observations down. The completion of their companion workbook counted for half of each student’s grade . . . and I meant business with it. (I mean, I put a LOT of energy and effort into creating it!) Some staff and students thought I was over-the-top, but I was serious about the students learning the book content and applying it to their real life. I loved teaching them, and I still have students that remind me about that class and the things they learned along the way.

I love being an Orange MS Contributor!

On and off, I’ve taught through the years, leading workshops for parents, leaders, and students. I’ve been a Middle School curriculum contributor for Orange, and have spoken at public events. I enjoy opening up great conversations to help others think outside of the box regarding their faith and life. Then, last year I had the opportunity to step inside of an actual classroom. . . well, multiple classrooms to be exact. I volunteered at Fuentes Elementary in Kyle, TX, traveling from classroom to classroom in 30-minute rotations, and teaching fun fine arts activities to the kiddos in K-5. I’ve spent the past few years in conversations with many teachers, administrators, and non-traditional educators, and every one of them has encouraged me to teach. Yet every time I thought I might be ready, something didn’t feel right, or I didn’t feel like I was in a position to pursue something so big and important.

Learning about architecture with straws and playdough at Fuentes Elementary

I almost started school at the beginning of the pandemic. I saw that Harvard University offered free courses online and wanted to check out some of their offerings. But then the pandemic dragged on, and pieces of me down with it. Then came the big drama of being blindsided by the local church that acquired our church in deceptive and unholy ways. That experience hit us on many levels; it took a while to bounce back and work through some of that hurt. Then I had a few family crises to walk through and eventually became the legal guardian of my wonderful nieces. As ministry work continued, we pushed through with online church and shifts in systems and practices and thankfully got to meet once a month at Buck’s Backyard. (Such a gift!)  It wasn’t even until a few weeks ago that we found a fully indoor location that we could rent weekly. And just a couple of weeks ago, we held our first regular in-person service! In the middle of all that, I engaged in more serious conversations with my boss/Lead Pastor, some family members, close friends, and other ministry leaders about what it could look like to pursue college while working full-time. With their encouragement, support, and blessing, I started the process and am now officially cleared to start pursuing my Bachelor’s Degree in Secondary Science (Biological Science). I aim to teach Middle/High School Biology and eventually get a Health certificate to teach a more expansive Health Class. I want to help students learn more about the wonder and beauty of biological science and the importance of good nutrition, mental health, emotional health, and overall well-being.

I even get an at-home science kit for my labs!

So starting today, I am attending Western Governor’s University online! Over the past 6 months, I have put in so much thought, prayer and research towards this decision. I’ve engaged in many deep conversations/debates, asked so many questions, and it feels a bit surreal to even be at this new starting point. The prep work to get to this day has been intense and tedious but very well worth it. I graduated in 2000 and haven’t had formal schooling since, so the idea of going to college for the first time was pretty overwhelming, and now I feel more prepared and ready to go. One of my most significant learning curves had to do with learning MATH!! (Not my strongest subject.) Since I’m at the stage in life where I’m dusting off the old math brain, I had to take some pre-assessments to catch up to speed and prepare for my upcoming classes. WGU provides math assessments through EdReady, and after taking the initial diagnostic, I had a score of 59. And through dedicating about 2-3 hours a day for the past three weeks, I’ve finally reached my goal of 95! One of my favorite things (there are very few) about taking the math assessments has been having Vanessa sit next to me as she and I did our homework together.

My desk is ready for the 1st Day of School!

I hadn’t told a lot of folks about going to college at WGU up to this point. It feels a little odd using this platform to make this big announcement, but I’ve just been so busy getting things in place to start courses that I haven’t had the space and capacity to engage in extensive conversations with all the big questions. The biggest question I’ve gotten from folks who hear about this big new adventure is if I’m still going to be working with Eikon. And the answer is YES!! I’m super grateful for a boss who is supporting me through this. As I go through online courses, I will still be the full-time NextGen Pastor at Eikon. And once I’ve acquired my degree and gone into full-time teaching, I’ll still be volunteering in leadership at Eikon, leading our NextGen ministries with new systems to accommodate this significant life change. So now that the cat is out of the bag, I can officially say that it’s never too late in life to try something you’ve been putting off for so long. And pray for me along this journey . . . it’s a major shift, and I’m not afraid, but I am realistically aware of the intensive demands it will bring. I’ll need grace, patience, and wisdom along the way. They don’t call us the WGU Night Owls for nothing! 😉🦉

Everything Falls Apart

Some call it unraveling.
Some call it questioning.
Or doubting . . . or examining . . . or reimagining . . . or evolving faith.
And many call it deconstructing faith.

And many in Evangelical Christian spaces call it a slippery slope . . . or heresy, a falling away, apostasy.
They condemn it. They are outraged by it. They use it as their whipping boy.
But why?

Why is the Evangelical Christian community so threatened by the concept of “faith deconstruction” that they would belittle those who are actively or have deconstructed their faith? And why would they automatically assume that any person who has deconstructed their faith will never reconstruct some of the pieces to reflect God more vibrantly in their everyday faith practices?

In the Bible, Jesus leads the way saying, “You have heard it said ________, but I say __________.” So why are Evangelical Christians so opposed to the idea that someone might rethink some of the problematic theology and toxic ideologies they have been handed down to them by people they trusted to lead them well?

I recently had the opportunity to talk with Craig and Steven from the MEET ME AT THE TABLE Podcast. They invited me to share some personal reflections as a pastor who has done significant faith deconstruction and has remained in a pastoral role in a Christian church. I want to begin by saying that the faith deconstruction community is not a monolith. Each person who has dared to embark on a faith deconstruction journey has their reasons, their own lived experiences, and their own held beliefs, which I believe are valid and worthy of respect. With that said, you can click the link below to listen in on our conversation about faith deconstruction, why the Evangelical church fears it, and what the church can do to support someone who is deconstructing.

Here are some things that have fueled my own personal faith deconstruction through the years:

• Pastors/religious leaders using scripture to condemn sexual assault/domestic violence victims and herald their abusers
• Pastors/religious leaders who refuse to let you ask questions about the deeper meanings and cultures in the Bible
• Pastors/religious leaders who abuse their authority to oppress and prey on those in marginalized communities
• Pastors/religious leaders who preach politics that oppress those in marginalized communities
• Pastors/religious leaders who preach Christian Nationalism
• Pastors/religious leaders who gaslight/bully others in person and online
• Religious organizations that promote sexism, racism, purity culture, ablism, ageism, and patriarchy in word or deed.
• Religious organizations that shame you for body positivity
• Religious leaders and organizations that commercialize attending church or practicing faith.
• Religious leaders who push you down at the altar and then call it “the wind of the Holy Spirit,” and then blame you for not fully surrendering because you’re not falling under the pressure.
• Personal in-depth studies on racism in the church, LGBTQ+ affirmation, colonialism in the church, heaven and hell, and more.

And though I have left behind pieces of the ideologies and theology I used to engage in, I have also reconstructed many things in my deconstruction journey and discovered a vibrant, flourishing faith. Nowadays, my faith is not in religious systems and leaders, but in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I had loved so profoundly all along—even when toxic religious ideologies and problematic theology overshadowed them. That faith and love guides me and empowers me as I do the important work in a pastoring role to provide radical spaces of Christ-like inclusion for people from all walks of life.

As a Pastor, I know the importance of leading and serving your people well, and I have endeavored to grow in that through the years. There have been times—especially early on in my faith—where I was not great at it. But when I have been called out or when I have heard of the ways my actions have harmed others, I have apologized and made things right. I believe that those in religious leadership positions owe it to their faith community to be authentic, humble, and accountable to the things they preach and live out. I believe that when the church hurts people, they should own up to it, ask big questions of themselves/about their practices, and make systemic changes. And if someone does decide that they want to leave your church, or that they don’t believe in God or the Bible or whatever, leave them in love. Honor their decision and let them know you are available to them if they ever need prayer or just support along the way.

When it comes to discussions on faith beliefs and deconstruction, I am not afraid to agree to disagree. In fact, I believe that can be a very healthy approach to create thriving relationships with people of faith (or who do not ascribe to any faith). But until those in Evangelical Christian spaces are willing to humbly and actively listen without judgement to someone who has questions/doubts about what they are reading in the Bible -VS- what they are hearing preached -VS- what is being lived out -VS- what they are seeing in real time in their family/friend/community spaces, Evangelical spaces will continue to be known as the crowd yelling “Crucify Him!” and not those weeping at the foot of the cross sharing the legacy of the Jewish Messiah from Nazareth who gave His life to bring liberation and healing to all.

This photo merges about 300+ men that live in the same places that Jesus lived so this is what the mathematically average person living in those areas would look like
Artist: @ganbrood

If you are currently deconstructing and looking for some folks that you can get connected to and learn more from in a safe space, check out:

• Reclaiming My Theology
• Liberated Together
• Cindy Wang Brandt
• The New Evangelicals
• Deconstructing Mamas

And if you listened to the podcast and thought I was joking about the hate from Christians once our church made the move to become an LGBTQ+ church, here are just a small handful of responses . . . there are hundreds saved in my files. And every time, it serves as a reminder of who I never want to be ever again as a person of faith.

TW: homophobia, violence, abusive language

Fancy Like

As a parent of a teenager, you might hear things like:

“I can’t wait to get a brand new car when I get my driver’s license!”
“Hey so a friend invited me to a party tomorrow and I told them I’d be there.”
“You can get famous for (insert something dumb like slapping a stranger) on TikTok.”
“I know I told you I wanted ________ yesterday, but I’ve changed my mind.”

And maybe for you, this is no big deal. But for someone like me who needs structure and a good heads-up to make sure things go according to plan, these things can give you a mild panic attack. So imagine, for a moment if you will, your High Schooler saying, “I know what I want for my Birthday party.” And you try hard to listen for context clues so you can decipher what she means when she says, “I want a pink tea party with some friends. Something outside and fun and pink.” To better explain, she sends you this picture from Pinterest and no other clues as to how she wants this thing to go down:

That’s it. This is what you get. No further directives. Good luck!

So the event planner in me says, “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.” Then I spend the next four nights scouring the interwebs, searching for what is needed to put together this “pink tea party for friends.” I spend the next few weeks planning, prepping, ordering, calling, organizing lists on lists on lists, printing/cutting/preparing, scouting locations, designing the invitations, and sketching all aspects of the party out on paper.

The sketches came to life very nicely

And with about a week to go before the event, the resident High Schooler finally asks, “So what are we going to be serving at my party?” I then explained that the picture she sent me didn’t give me much to go with, so I came up with a well-rounded menu with a wide array of proteins, veggies, light snacks, a couple of sweet treats, and a decadent Cheesecake (because that’s her favorite). Her face drops, and she says she wants a different menu. She then lists the actual things she wants at this pink picnic. At that moment, I realized that in my “mom brain” glory, I believed that teens would appreciate a nice nutritional lunch at the park—rookie mistake. In reality, they are more interested in an extravagant lunch party that contains only one barely-there protein option and 100 sugary options. #LessonLearned

Doing my best to curb the sugar overload

Even with all of the last minute changes and compromises (because I am not making cake pops for this shindig thankyouverymuch) I was able to put together a beautiful, extravagant pink picnic party for the Birthday girl. So if you are trying to put together something similar and all you’ve been given is a picture from Pinterest with no additional details, hopefully this showcase of the party helps you in your planning process!

The first step in putting together this party was choosing the location. I did some online research and looked for a convenient spot with a very fairytale feel. After scouting out the top 3 options, I decided to go with Reed Neighborhood Park. It had a perfect landing (where the old kiln used to be) with some open space (read: photo op), a big open platform, and two picnic tables that we used to serve food and feature the cake/present table. The only downfall to the park was that there were no public restrooms, so we had to give rides to the bathroom at a nearby shop. That didn’t seem to be too much of a bother, though. Overall, the gorgeous space and secluded feel made it all worthwhile.

Now that I knew where we would host it, I could design the invites! We decided to do digital invites for ease and to save money. Here is the invite we sent:

(Personal info edited)

With all the broad brushstrokes painted, it was time to get to the details. Thanks to Amazon Prime, some of the pieces were easier to take care of than others. I purchased THIS package that included a table runner and tablecloth + balloons + a shimmering backdrop + a Birthday banner + a Birthday sash and crown + cake toppers. I also bought a separate tablecloth and table runner to complete the look. However, I didn’t have some of the essential items on hand—like a long picnic table or pink and gray pillows. So for those, I reached out to my friends and my local Buy Nothing community on Facebook, and they came in clutch with the floor pillows and added decor. Instead of renting a picnic table or trying to build/find something, I decided to use two folding tables (from my workplace) and some totes I had in my storage closet to hold up the tables, which would be hidden under the tablecloths.

The setup when guests arrived

Once I had the decor plan in place, I got to work sketching out how the tables would fit together, who would sit where, and which treats would go where on the table. The final menu we settled on was:

Crockpot Seven Layer Dip with Tortilla Chips
Ham & Gruyere Cheese Croissants
Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Bacon & Balsamic Glaze
Italian Pasta Salad
Classic Alfajores from Latin Bakery Austin
Chocolate Covered Strawberries
Chocolate Covered Pretzels (Flipz)
Pink chocolate dipped Rice Krispy Treats
Watermelon Popcorn
Strawberry Lemonade
and Welch’s Sparkling Rosé

Just get a load of this sweet lineup in action:

A toast to the Birthday girl!

No party is complete without games. But what games do teens play at a picnic Birthday party at the park? A piñata would have been too tacky for the theme. The kids were dressing up in fancy attire for the gathering, so messy games were out. My niece requested we play one of her favorite games, THE CHAMELEON, and I suggested we also play HIT LIST because it was easy to re-create, and I could put the cards under the party plates at each table setting as a space saver. The teens LOVED the games, and I’m sure if time were not an issue, they would have stayed for even longer to play more games.

Game time!

Vanessa also put in some hard work making customized Shrinkydink keyrings with each guest’s first initial to give as party favors. The artwork took the longest and she enjoyed creating something special for them!

Overall, the party was a hit! My niece loved it, and so did her guests. But before we turn the lights off on this party, I should mention that I COULD NOT have done any of this had it not been for having my father stay the night the day before. He did so much: he helped me put together food; he brought the Birthday girl to the party on time so that my younger niece and I could leave super early in the morning to clean the space and get everything set up; ran rides to the bathroom; helped serve food; gave rides home afterward and also bought us pizza for dinner after the party so I wouldn’t have to prepare ONE MORE THING!

It was a LOT of work, and planning to get it to take off like it did, but I’m glad I was able to make this a memorable, fun experience for my niece. Not only was it a special celebration, but it also reminded me of how grateful I am for the internet, Photoshop, friends, and family. What do you think? Did I do a decent job of making the picture become a reality?

The Party Crew

Line By Line

Just Call Me The PATRON SAINT OF SUMMERMOON

Why doesn’t 40 years old feel like 40 years old? Better yet, how come I never feel my ‘age’? Perhaps it’s because I work with kids, and they keep me feeling young? Maybe it’s because I don’t know any better and am happily living in the bliss of feeling like I’m 30 when I’m 40. I spoke with a friend yesterday, and we debated why 40 is such a dreaded age. It has a history of being considered “Over The Hill,” and you’re supposed to have a big party with black gravestone decorations and discussions of retirement plans and sore muscles and joints. But I’m having none of that . . . because I don’t feel any of it. Maybe that’s an older tradition that has gone out the window. Who knows? All I know is that I woke up 40 years old this morning, and I did not feel ‘older.’

Though I may not feel older, I realize many life lessons have etched their ways into my heart and mind over the past 39 years. I figure what better way to celebrate my life than to share some of those life lessons with you in hopes that they bless and benefit you as you make your way through the years. So raise a glass (or an oat milk blue moon latte), and let’s toast to 40 years of learning through life’s ups and downs:

• Embrace what makes you different.
• There will be people that only want to be your friends if you jump through their hoops. Those are not your friends.
• When the barista asks if you want an extra shot for free in your coffee, the ONLY answer is YES!
• Make it a priority to pay off your credit cards as soon as possible!
• Stay curious.
• Be willing to sit in the tension when you find out you’re wrong about something.
• Allow your close friends to ask you: Are you sure? Have you thought about it this way?
• Challenge people to take responsibility for their actions.
• Don’t settle for less than what you deserve.
• Be kind when you can. When you can’t, own your feelings and don’t assign them to others.
• Tip your waiters/waitresses/baristas/hairstylist/delivery drivers, etc.
• Get out and explore the world around you (and the people in it)!
• Have a dance party in your living room or kitchen . . . or at the bus stop every once in a while.
• Use your privilege to elevate others and fight for the rights and well-being of those being oppressed.
• It’s probably not ‘demons.’
• If you think it might promote even a little bit of cultural appropriation, make a different choice.
• Stop trying to sit at the tables that Jesus flipped.
• When your friends swear by only using either tampons or pads, introduce them to the beauty and security in using both. #AvoidACrimeScene
• You do not need to apologize for setting a healthy boundary for yourself.
• “People should never be the collateral damage of your theology.” — Sarah Bessey
• It’s okay to tell your story exactly like it is.
• Normalize talking about sexual health (use the real names for genitalia) and sexual integrity at an early age and keep the conversation going. . . even when it’s awkward because until it’s normalized it will always be awkward and you’ll keep scooting away from prime opportunities to lay a strong foundation for healthy relationships and sex.
• Take up space in this world. You are needed.
• When you criticize kids, they don’t stop loving you, they stop loving themselves.
• Therapy is the best gift you can give yourself.
• You don’t have to like everybody, but you should definitely find healthy ways to love everybody.
• It’s never too late to say “I’m sorry.”
• Take time to read a good book and get lost in the story.
• There will be many times you want to fix things and solve problems, but it’s better to just ask, “Is this something you just want to vent about or are you looking for feedback?” Be okay with just listening and not solving the problem.
• BIPOC LIVES MATTER.
• Follow Brené Brown on social media and read her books . . . you won’t regret it.
• You can be the whole package at the wrong address.
• When someone’s in crisis, it’s okay to say: “I don’t know what to say. I really want to be here for you.” “I’m not sure how to help yet, but I’m not going anywhere.” — Whitney Goodman, L.M.F.T.
• If someone shares their personal pronouns with you, work hard to remember and honor their pronouns.
• Never apologize for watching LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER. He deserves ALLLLL the awards.
• Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
• Take a deep breath in and out. And another one. And another one. (cue DJ Khaled)
• You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
• Stay humble.
• Don’t forget how far you’ve come.

What other life lessons have you learned along the way?

Do people still classify 40 as being Over The Hill or has that been left along the wayside?

All Of The Love In The World

Like many of you, I spent 2020 in tears, angry, exhausted, grieving, shocked, and climbing out of one valley to the next. When I called 2020 my year of RESILIENCE, I didn’t quite anticipate how it would all play out. Safe to say, 2020 was a dumpster fire riding on top of a train wreck. Still, I was able to come out of it safe, healthy, and stronger than I was when I rang in the New Year. As I look at how I’ve become more resilient through 2020, I am both humbled and in awe of how my faith, friends, and family carried me through some of the messiest moments of my life. I’m not saying I’d like a repeat of 2020—because, dear Lord, no more—but I’m grateful for how I’ve risen from ashes this past year.

I am sure that 2021 will bring its own set of challenges and I feel that I’m as ready as I can be to face them. No matter what it holds, there is one word I’ll be holding onto throughout it. My word for this year came to me loud and clear during an early morning devotional time. As the rain was falling outside of my window and I kept praying for peace and hope. I kept repeating a heartfelt desire for God to soothe my weary soul. In those moments, the word nurture kept weaving through my heart and mind. I decided right then and there that I wanted 2021 to be a year where I would nurture—my self, my soul, and those around me.

It would be easy to take this challenge to nurture on as a way to burn myself to keep others warm because my go-to gut reaction is to do just that. But that’s not what I think this year should be about. I want to nurture myself with good, healthy practices to retain social, emotional, mental, and physical well-being. I want to nurture my faith even more and discover new ways to share what God is doing in my life. As I spend the next year serving as guardian of my nieces and navigating all of the terrains that come with that, I want to nurture myself in the best approach to love and logic as I go so that they get the best version of me. I also want to nurture my relationships with friends, family, and especially my nieces in healthy, flourishing ways.

https://www.instagram.com/guyelnathan/

If this past year showed me anything, it’s how to slow down a little, let go of what I can’t control, and embrace empathy and compassion in a bigger way. It’s pushed me to ask more questions and say goodbye to people and things that were crushing my spirit and reflecting an ugly version of faith. My hope and aspirations are to be kinder to myself mentally, emotionally, and physically this year. I want to challenge myself to learn more about God and what it means to follow Jesus in the most practical ways. One phrase that my Pastor (Kelly Matlock) has challenged our team with throughout the pandemic is to “live with our hands open.” And that has been SO difficult for me—the one who wants to always have a plan, be in control, know what comes next—but when I’ve embraced it, I’ve seen such good fruit come from it. I want to continue in that. I want to nurture that this year so that it can become a continued practice in my everyday life.

https://www.instagram.com/madalinacoman/

With that in mind, I haven’t worked out a formula for this year—just a hope, an anthem, a point on the horizon—instead, I want to lean into what it means to nurture my whole self in better ways this year. I hope you’ll continue joining me on this journey. I hope we can learn together. I hope we can flourish together through stories, poetry, pictures, and adventures. There is much nurturing ahead!

https://www.instagram.com/rupikaur_/

Hericane

Wow, I mean 2020 is almost over, but did I nail it when I went with RESILIENCE as my word for the year, or what?!? It hasn’t quite been what I was expecting, but then again, when is it ever?

So much has happened globally and locally since I last posted—which I guess is what happens when you wait nearly six months to blog again. Honestly, the past few months have been a whirlwind of highs, lows, tragedy, and hope. Living through this pandemic has been one of the most confusing, frustrating, and introspective seasons of my life. So many are up in arms about being asked to help keep our communities safe and healthy and it’s weighed so heavy on my heart. Some of my extended family members have died from COVID19, and it’s heartbreaking to see people become so callous and indifferent to what’s at stake for people around them. As someone in the high-risk category, I’ve had to limit my everyday activities and shift my expectations. I’ve had to make many sacrifices, but I’ve also been blessed with the opportunity to work from home, so I realize there is a privilege there. Still, I’m so grateful for everyone who is taking this virus seriously.

I had plans this summer to travel to Seattle and I was going to be staying with my dear friends, The Millers. Since that trip got cancelled and I don’t feel comfortable flying during the pandemic, we scheduled a Family Friday Night FaceTime.

Amid the onslaught of the virus taking its toll on our world and our Nation continuously waking up to the longstanding atrocities facing those in the margins, things happening personally and locally have also been hitting my heart pretty hard. The month of September brought so much loss and heartbreak on a personal level. My church went through a significant shift. Our building lender, AG Financial (Assemblies Of God), decided to terminate our lease and rent it to another church in our area that offered to pay more. (All this while we were still in the building and planning our return to in-person services in October.) This left me in a place of not just grieving the loss of our church building—which we had poured so much blood, sweat, and tears into—but also the greater loss of faith in and respect for religious institutions and leaders whose underhanded practices led to the loss of our building. Still, perhaps the more significant shift was the transition of losing one of our Lead Pastors and seeing our other Lead Pastor rise to take the helm of this church I love so deeply. You can read more about that by swiping through the Instagram post below. Although the shift has rocked everything we had before, the Eikon staff and I are excited to continue leading and loving our faith community as we move forward.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CEz5qqzjLPp/

And as it happens, life has thrown another curveball in the mix—my birthday is today—on Election Day! I probably don’t need to explain to you the tension that so many are facing as we await the results of this election—I’m feeling it too. I have already decided that no matter who our next President is, I will continue to remain fully present in my community. I will continue advocating, donating to social justice causes, marching, and working to abolish toxic systems that perpetuate patriarchy, xenophobia, homophobia, white supremacy, and oppression of those in the margins. And though I’ve already cast my ballot, I’ve also developed a mental health plan for today and the rest of the week. If there is one thing I’ve leaned into heavily this year, it’s resilience routines. I know that I need to take care of my head, my heart, and my body so that I can face the waves that rush in to take over my life. Last night I soaked in lavender bath salts and listened to soothing music to calm my body and mind from the stress of the unknown. I also got to enjoy a sweet Birthday lunch with my dad and brother on Sunday for some much needed family time. And the bonus is that my awesome housemates are treating me to a dinner of burgers + key lime pie (my FAVES! #PieOverCakeAnyDay), so it’s sure to be a relaxing and fun celebration as I walk into the big 39.

Also during the pandemic, I’ve watched HAMILTON soooooo many times. I love it even more every time. Fave song: The Room Where It Happens

In the words of Lin Manuel Miranda, “In the eye of a hurricane, there is quiet. For just a moment, a yellow sky.” And there have been a lot of ways I’ve been developing resilience during all the chaos. I’ve been setting healthy boundaries in relationships, giving myself a lot of grace to grow through shortcomings, eating well, working out, and creating a good sleeping routine. I admit, over the past few months, I have been slacking on reading my monthly fiction books. Honestly, with our church going through so much turmoil and transition, that daily practice has fallen to the wayside. There’s so much to catch up on and pivot towards, but I will keep moving forward and doing my best to pick that habit back up and build more resilience along the way.

Enjoying a fun fall outdoor family hang time with my nieces and my mom.

Speaking of moving forward, I’m about to make a big move . . . into an apartment! Yep, you heard that right. In just a couple of months, I will be moving out of The White’s House (the last name of my housemates is White) and into a two-bedroom apartment in the area that I’ll share with my nieces for at least a year! This pandemic has hit so many people hard—my sister included—and while I won’t share any of the details here, my family and I are hopeful that the girls’ time with me will be filled with peace, love, and flourishing as their mom continues to do her best to get back on her feet. One phrase I’ve grown accustomed to throughout this pandemic has been, “We’re all just doing the best we can with what we have.” and these words have never rung more true for my family and me. So as I close out this blog post and finish filling out my apartment application form, I wanted to let you know that if you are interested in giving me a Birthday gift, the girls and I have put together a housewarming registry at:

TARGET
AMAZON
IKEA

As we prepare for the big move soon, if there’s something on this list that you feel compelled to purchase, please do. However, what’s needed more than anything is gift cards. That way, if there’s something we missed or something we can wait to get, we can purchase as needed through gift cards. And before you let guilt begin to set in, I am fully aware that we are still in the middle of a pandemic and financial struggles, and I am not expecting ANY gifts. But some have asked, and I wanted to make it available to those who did feel they could contribute at this time or in the near future. If you aren’t able to at this time, please do not feel obligated. Please know that your friendship and the fact that you read these wild blogs I write is gift enough. Thank you for your time and attention and for joining me on the journey. Here’s to a new year of life and a new adventure in parenting!

CORN MAZing time with my nieces!