amo.says

my life in my words

Now

6 Comments

I’ll be honest—lately, I’ve been in a funk. I’ve been feeling pretty low, whiny, and defeated. I know I have no right to, nor am I at a place in life where I should be “allowed” to feel that way. I have people in my life who would say that I’m being ridiculous because I’m feeling sorry for myself. They might even label me ‘near-sighted’ because I only see my problems and not those of others in third-world countries, struggling with poverty and disease. They would berate me for not caring about others and being ignorant to the needs that other people have—selfish to the core . . . and they’re right, I probably am. In fact, I most definitely am. I admit wholeheartedly that I am 100% a selfish, arrogant, prideful, and ignorant human being. I have weaknesses to the nines, and it’s those weaknesses that remind me daily that I am so very, very, very, VERY, much in need of a Savior. I am in need of a pure example of servant-hood laced unconditional love—the love that only Christ could give—through His Word, through prayers, and through true friends who aren’t afraid to hold me when I’m ugly. You see, even us selfish, arrogant, prideful, ignorant human beings have a deep-seeded urge to get out of our funks and being “encouraged” and “guilt-tripped” with tough love isn’t always the answer.

Sometimes the answer is a “running buddy” who will remind you of the truth of who you are as whole person and as a follower of Christ. I’m thankful for my running buddies. It is through their e-mails, texts, and coffee dates that I see what lies on the other side of the darkness—they are light and fresh breath! And not because they make me feel good about myself, but because they tell me what they’re hopeful of in their future. They share powerful Scripture verses  and testimonies of what God is doing in their lives and those challenge each of us to love deeper and give greater. They don’t offer answers or questions—they listen and we move on. They share their dreams, weaknesses, funny anecdotes, and fashion tips 😉 And for a hot second, I’m reminded that no matter what crap is happening in my heart and mind, there is SO much beauty and life in front of me. The beauty and life that comes with true friendship + community also serves as fuel to get me out of my funk and back into the ring, ready to fight for more life, hope, and freedom!!

 

Enjoying a much-needed Girl’s Night In, watching The Help with my sweet friend Cindy L.! Viva le sleepovers!

“Running tunes” help too!

Every once in a while you find that one song that just “gets” you.

It becomes an anthem.
A homing device.
A life-preserver.
A lighthouse beacon as you’re drowning in the deep dark seas.
That’s what Paramore’s NOW has been for me.

These lyrics have been racing through my head ever since I first heard the new single and bought it. I listen to it in the morning when I’m getting ready, reminding myself that the day is ready for the taking. I listen to it while I’m doing work projects, reminding me that I’ll be back at my jobs sooner than later. It’s on repeat when I’m doing my PT exercises, reminding me not to quit when I feel lazy. The words to this song pretty much sum up every bit of emotion that I’ve been facing lately. I’ve never been a patient girl, and limitations don’t suit me. I’ve definitely learned to slow down and take it easy, but deep down inside, I was born to fight. It kills me to see people out my window running to catch the bus, and at the gym jumping rope and dancing along in Zumba class, because I still can’t do those things . . . yet!

A couple of weeks ago, I had my housemate drop me off at a coffee shop and while I was in that coffee shop, an older lady that also had a cane with her looked over at me, then looked at my cane, and then looked back at her book and just shook her head. She didn’t say a word to me. I don’t know what she was thinking, but the look on her face was one of disdain, maybe even laced with unbelief. I got so frustrated and upset because I felt that I was being judged for my weakness. Once again, this cane had made me feel “less than.” And then I looked back at my computer and turned on THE RESOLUTION by Jack’s Mannequin and said to myself, “Don’t worry lady, I won’t have this for very much longer! I’m going to beat this!” If I were in that situation again today, and I was actually able to do it, I’d jump up on a table with my cane and do an impromptu “Love Is A Battlefield” style dance number in front of that lady . . . to Paramore’s NOW.

PNLyrics

 

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Author: Amanda Martinez

I am a mexican chick, born in Germany, raised in Austin, TX, and now currently living in Seattle, WA. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a graphic designer, a youth pastor, a comedienne, a songwriter, a screenwriter, and a lover of music, art, people, and the world around me! Join me on the journey as I share with you my thoughts, dreams, passions, and experiences!

6 thoughts on “Now

  1. We love you…in your strength and your weakness!

  2. love love love you!!! We for sure don’t need to stay in the funk, but oh my goodness you have gone through a whole lot the past few months! Yes, I totally understand, sometimes I don’t feel like I can take a second to have a pity party because there are starving children or people that have been abused…you know way worse things than what I deal with. But remember, in your life you have had pain. You have gone through hard things and it’s okay to process that and work through all of the emotions. It’s normal. But yes, those amazing friends are there to know when you need grace and then help you out of that funk and see the blessings despite the pain. Love you so much friend and praying for you as you continue to heal!

    • Thanks, Alanna! It’s never pretty when we’re going through it, that’s for sure. Here’s to brighter days and more running buddies along the way! 🙂 I sure do appreciate your sweet words and love!

  3. You are on a crazy crazy journey right now that I bet no one has an equivalent to measure themselves against! You’re just in the spotlight for a time of growth in your life because of how extreme this situation is. I hope that no matter what, the people that you surround yourself with are the ones that love you when you’re weak, as well as when you are strong. We all have times where we just drag our feet and need someone to come hold our hands while we do it. But the great thing is that this is just going to be a season, this is not you but I know that whatever comes of this that’ll it’ll be a huge impact on your life as well as those that were able to be there with you thru it as well! Go ahead and late the haters hate, so what if your 30 and carrying a cane around for a temporary amount of time, it’s no ones business why that happened. and it’s great to see you get stronger, although we all know you’d like that to go a wee bit faster 😉 The strength of your character during all these crazy times are going to be worth the battle. You should have no doubt that you are surrounded with extreme love from the people in your lives. Especially Me! hugs and kisses…

    • Crazy Cakes foooooo sho! I couldn’t make it through without you, bestie! And on the other side of this season is the joy of knowing that soon and very soon we’ll all have a little more Jitterbug in our lives to keep us smiling and celebrating life! I love you and I am so thankful for your friendship! ♥

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